Here I am

So, I’m sitting in my car having just come off the phone to my husband. He’s only my husband on paper now, he wants to separate and had called to discuss the financial implications (pretty dire) of the separation. It’s a lot to take in right now, we’ve been living apart for a long time but I’d always thought we’d get through all this and get back together. He’s met someone else though so that’s not looking too likely (reality check) .

This blog is my attempt to make sense of how we got here, how I contributed, how he contributed, what happens next and how I go about building a life and career at 41 years of age with three young children, having been a stay at home mum for the last 13 years.

I think it’s going to be OK, I mean, I don’t, not in my darkest hours (they usually come around 4am like most darkest hours but they can catch me unawares too!) but other times I thank fuck that I’m here and not in the unhappy marriage that has been my reality for a long time.

So why then if it was so unhappy would I be so sad about it ending? Well that’s what I’m working through, you see I don’t know if the marriage was unhappy or we were just two unhappy people in a marriage. I’ve done so much work on myself over the last two years that on my good days I’m so fucking happy and positive and confident I’m irritating to be around! So why couldn’t that have happened sooner, why couldn’t I have become wonder woman in time to fix this mess and why do I keep proving to my husband that I’m still an angry, unhappy person every time we have dealings with each other and why the hell have I started smoking again?!

I’m here to find answers to all this and more. This may be an awkward journey into one woman’s sanity breaking down but I actually think it’ll be an awkward journey into one woman’s sanity rebuilding (if I can just kick the smoking habit)

OK, more later when I’m able to use my computer and not my phone.

Signing out….

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